No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
You Might Also Like
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Perfect.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
I love it all
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.