No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
pelicons
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…