Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.