No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.