No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon