No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆