Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

😂🐾

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.