No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
True?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’