No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Dune (2021)
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?