@Arteymis

No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.

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@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@LoveNLunchmeat

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

@outsmartedmommy

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

@thedad

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.