angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
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FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”
There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
I deserve butter.
(not a typo)
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*