[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
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do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.