Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Does it…does it take 3 days
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.