No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.