Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.