Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Um … Hot Wings please

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time