No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
barbara was highly relatable
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog