No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded