no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters