no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Jesus Christ lmao
What the hell happened here.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.