Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo