NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.