Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?