“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.