“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
Terribly Tuesday.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan