“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
making my dog give me my pills