“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.