Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

I have so many questions.

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.