No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
me 2 months after i graduated
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.