No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.