No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
You Might Also Like
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Breakfast in bed.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.