No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
*weighs self after shaving
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
no way 😭
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves