No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something