No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
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*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
