Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

My teenage children choosing violence

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Ah..makes sense now

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.