NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.