NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
scared to check what name she chose
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”