NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Cop lights are so pretty at night
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.