NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees