No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
make up your mind
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
New Tinder profile.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.