Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

The chart results are in…

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!