NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”