NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Hot Panini is in big trouble
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Hit me in the face with a bird
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.