Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over