No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.