No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
dogs can find happiness so easily
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
guys I’m going home
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it