No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no