Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.