No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.