no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I put the p in pants.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.