Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

✨☝️✨

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.