no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
😾
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids