Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!

In 2025: Shit.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.