No, I don’t think I will.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Remember folks 😂
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
weddings should have a worst man
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.