No, I don’t think I will.
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Autocarrot sucks!
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun