Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”