No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
They should make a moral fiber supplement
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?