You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Print is alive and well!!!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long