Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.