Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂