no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Simple enough.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice