Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Oh my God.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.