Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]