No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Did I do this right
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.