Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family