No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me