No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.