No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit