No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?