No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*