No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
You Might Also Like
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
This is a true ally.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?