Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…