Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.