No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
#parenting
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
britain’s three elite institutions
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.