Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Matt Goss

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

The French cow says MEUX…

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists