No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You Might Also Like
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.