No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
the council will decide your fate
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”