No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean