No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
S O O N
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I have obtained a hat
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Windchimes
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.