No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson