No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.